What the Libservatives should do for us

Unlike pretty much everybody else on the planet, I loved Britain’s hung parliament. I always fancied being an anarchist, but Mammy wouldn’t let me. That was anarchy she couldn’t do anything about. I was also keen on our new system of confusing politics with cricket: we played for days and nobody won.

He Who Knows Everything was confident in the prospect of a Labour/LibDem coalition and had been saying as much for weeks. I think he was rather disappointed when we ended up with the LibDem/Tory coalition.
Personally, I’m very pleased that Dave is our new leader. I have great faith in Nick’s ability to launch a bid for outright power the second Dave goes on paternity leave. Nick, if you’re reading this, remember: Bloodless coups are definitely the way forward.

It’s an easy thing to forget that the Tories are, actually, slightly demented. I don’t recall what Dave has said on the matter, but many of them are quite keen on repealing the ban on fox hunting. Over here, it’s still legal and a hunt, even one like my local – three blokes who can ride and 27 of mixed ages and genders who can’t – is a hideous thing to behold. It’s hilarious to watch them attempting to trot up and down, waiting for the hounds to find the scent while the wives and Mammies sit in their Ford Mondeos drinking tea from a thermos; then you remember that they consider it to be a fun and appropriate day out to watch dogs tear a live animal apart.
Although I am a hippy who feels massively guilty even using flyspray, it’s not the death part of the hunt I object to. It’s the detachment the riders have from it. If you wish to spend your weekends jumping over hedges and killing stuff, it’s the least you can do to get off your horse and do it yourself with your bare hands. If you are unable to do this, I will let you use a weapon of your choice. If you remain unable to do this, you have absolutely no business participating in it in the first place. It’s important to be honest about what you do and the consequences of it. There’d be much less gun crime about if the television special effects people put more effort into their portraits of blood and grey matter and how difficult it is to wash it from the walls afterwards.

The historic LibDem/Tory government we now live under (or, in my case, look wistfully at from beneath the incompetent rule of another nation), offers unparallel opportunities to create new ways of thinking. To many, it would seem the punishment loving, immigrant hating, upper middle-class braying toffs could have little in common with their new longhaired, hippy, pinko-liberal best-friends; but I think the time is right to combine the ideologies of both parties to create a Change for Good.

Take wind farms. Every Lib Dem loves a wind farm. By affixing a loudspeaker system designed to broadcast demoralising messages to the unemployed, the Tories can love them too. Who doesn’t want a field full of metal shouting ‘Hey you! Dole Scrounger! Scrounged much dole today?’

How about Trident? Nick Clegg may dream of a world in which we live free of nuclear weapons, but Dave isn’t so sure. Why not use nuclear war as a way of raising awareness about climate change? Instead of a mushroom cloud, design your missiles to write a useful energy saving tip in the sky following impact. We may have instantly killed hundreds of thousands of people, but we’ve alerted everybody else to the fact that their mobile chargers consume energy even when they aren’t charging a mobile. Useful!
Finally, the biggie: Immigration. Dave hates it and wants to track down illegals and ship them back home. Nick says we should offer citizenship to everybody who has been in the UK longer than 10 years. Can such diametric views find a happy medium? Yes. Yes, they can.
We must form an unholy super-army and rebuild the Empire. By bringing other places under our rule, those who were once illegal will become citizens without the need for complicated paperwork. It has other advantages too; those hardline Tories will be able to buy up estates in those areas of the world whose views remain distressingly obsolete: Malawi, for instance. Everybody wins!

I don’t know why everybody finds this politics business so hard.

I agreed with Nick First

Ahhhhh… politics. Such a fickle swallower of my time. It seems like only weeks ago that “Call me Dave” Cameron was going to lead us into the golden dawn of a new empire. Now look where we are; forced to understand the implications of coalition governments and the breathtaking unfairness of the UK’s electoral system.
He Who Knows Everything has been tinkering with the BBC’s swing-o-meter and explaining, in increasingly agitated tones, exactly how stupid and unfair the electoral system is. I’ll spare you the details in case you are foreign and therefore do not need to fill your brain with superfluous information regarding the British Parliamentary System (particularly as is may shortly be subject to change), but basically we have managed to create an arrangement whereby the three major parties can receive equal percentages of the vote, but Labour gets a hundred seats more than anybody else.

As a British Citizen, I am entitled to vote in UK elections even though I no longer live there in any official capacity. Through an odd quirk of fate (otherwise known as HWKE filling out my voting application form), I am registered in the North West Hampshire Constituency. I wanted to be registered in Cardiff so I could familiarise myself with the policies of Plaid Cymru before I didn’t vote for them, but HWKW was too quick for me.
Happily, I no longer need to bother researching and making important decisions about how to use my vote because the interwebs can do it for me. Votematch.org.uk will ask you to rate whether you agree or disagree with a number of statements and give you a percentage score of how the parties match up to your preferences. It told me to vote Lib Dem, which shows it works because that’s how I was going to vote despite not being terribly good at remembering what their policies actually are.

To begin with, the Lib Dems seemed like a good bet for my vote. Any respect Gordon Brown earned during his years as Chancellor were decimated with the resurrection of Lord Mandy. He received his final death knell in my eyes the day his wife Sarah became part of his campaign. This is also my major problem with Dave. While any man is entitled to be proud of his virility, it’s not a reason for me to vote for him. Sarah Brown and Samantha Cameron are not standing for government; I don’t need to see them following their husbands around and gurning at underprivileged children.
Mrs Clegg, by contrast, has said she has better things to do than try and get people to vote for Nick. I approve of this.

Another thing I approve of is the Lib Dem policy on Trident, the UK’s nuclear warhead program. Nick says he would scrap it and that he dreams of a world in which we are all hippies and nobody has any nuclear weapons any more. Gordon tells Nick to “Get Real” and mentions Iran and North Korea. This worries me. What has Gordon done to Iran and North Korea that he’s not telling us about? It’s clearly something serious enough to make them want to nuke us.
I’ve never understood the wisdom of having a nuclear deterrent. If you have a weapon of any sort, you must be prepared to use it otherwise it’s just something extra to dust. I don’t want a government who would be prepared to use a nuclear weapon against another country, particularly not against countries like Iran and North Korea who are not exactly noted for having the infrastructure needed to rebuild following a nuclear attack. I would much rather be the nukee than the nuker.

Nick has also got a rather controversial policy on immigration. He wishes to have an amnesty on illegal immigrants who have been in the UK for 10 years. I also approve of this. I grow tired of this debate on immigration and would like it if we could all stop being quite so Daily Mail about things. If somebody has lived in the UK for 10 years, they are no longer going to be fully equipped to return to live in whichever place they have come from. Absolutely let them become part of the system: can you honestly tell me that our resources are being plunged into tracking down people who have lived in the UK for a decade and shipping them back home? I hope not, it sounds like a monumental waste of money.
Immigration is one of these issues that few politicians are willing to stand up to people about and I do not understand why. Who, in all honesty, can tell me a story about the ways immigration has personally impacted upon their life? I’m not talking about the one about the Nigerian woman who can’t get her pram on the bus and leaves it behind because she says she’ll get a new one, or any of these stories, I’m asking for people whose circumstances have diminished due to influxes of migrants to their country. Very, very few of you, I imagine. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure that you are as grateful as I am that Tesco now stock decent beetroot to cater for our Eastern European friends.

Last week, Gordon Brown was caught referring to a woman as a bigot after getting into his car and failing to remember that he had a microphone attached to him. She had complained about the number of immigrants “flocking over here.” I am reliably informed (My dad knows the dad of the fella Brown was complaining to – I thought I’d mention because it makes me feel special) that Mr Brown in a lovely bloke and had misheard her. Even if Mr Brown had not misheard her, she was a bigot. I know people like this old woman and they are ignorant, bigoted people. In any case, she was more upset about being referred to as That Woman. The media palaver is pathetic.

Anyway, if you are a UK based personage, I truly hope you will take the time to go and vote this week. If you do not know who to vote for, or do not wish to vote for any of your local candidates, please, use your vote to spoil your paper. If you wish to not vote, it is better to actively do so rather than just not going down the polling station. Apathy is a terrible thing.

In Other News: I am awarding myself a small prize for biggest decrease in blogging over the last month. I’ve been pushing on with other writing based projects so the blogs have taken a bit of a back seat to them. If there are no blogs, this is why.