Stupidity Will Be Punished

It is always nice to keep up with trends so over the last week I, along with everybody else, have been suffering from ProbablyNotSwineFluistus. I had the cough, malaise and sore throat but lacked the fever, which I’m told is mandatory for Swine Flu sufferers. There is every chance it was Swine Flu, of course, but as I stay away from more or less everybody, I’m not sure where I could have caught it from.
Naturally, I am blaming Strider for my wasted days lying on the sofa with a mug of lemon and honey. She had MoreLikelyToBeSwineFluitus but as she doesn’t own a thermometer we cannot be sure. As she had the same cough and sore throat as myself, I suspect she gave me what was just a vicious summer cold along with my birthday card.

Anyway. From time to time I like to apply myself to the problem of how the world can be improved. That way, when I am declared Queen of Everything (as I one day shall be) I will be well prepared and able to put my diabolical schemes into effect more or less instantly.
For a start, I would send every member of the BNP to live somewhere like Nigeria for a while to see how much they enjoy it, only letting them back into the country if they can pass the citizenship test (You have to know what a quango is and “a great scrabble word” is not an option). That done, I would make any young man with a souped up car who thinks it is big and clever to bomb around the backroads at 100mph have a portrait of a My Little Pony tattooed on his forehead. Try and make that look cool and desirable, lads.

The third thing I would do is instigate a law to the effect of: If you are too stupid to have it, it shall be taken away from you until you can prove otherwise.

We all have stupid moments. Strider, for instance, cannot be relied upon to know what a Philips screwdriver is. He Who Knows Everything once drilled through a gas pipe and didn’t notice. Even I, who am extremely good looking and clever, realised after an embarrassingly large number of months of ownership, that my Sigma lens has a button on the side which turns it into a Macro lens. These are all small stupidities which can be forgiven.
What I cannot forgive are people who send thousands of pounds to con merchants.

We’ve all had the email asking us to help smuggle ten million US dollars out of Burkina Faso by just giving our bank details here. In recent times I have received a number of even more entertaining ones purporting to be from the director of the FBI, congratulating me on winning a lottery he had kindly entered me in (without my knowledge) and telling me that once I have sent a two hundred dollar handling fee to this address in Zimbabwe, my thirty million dollars will be dispatched at once. He Who Knows Everything was sent the one which Jack Straw’s office fell for, which claimed his email address was being cancelled unless he filled out the form they provided a link for.
My Myspace inbox is deluged by men telling me they don’t normally do this kind of thing but that they could see the goodness in my eyes and had to send me a note because they were convinced I was an angel. Their wife has usually died in a plane crash as well, so I feel a little mean ignoring them all but I’m sure they will get over it.

I had always assumed that everybody who received these notes laughed at them as much as I do, but astonishingly, they don’t. They believe them.
For the right amount of money, it is possible to procure a so called “Sucker List” of names and addresses of people (usually pensioners) who will send money in response to unsolicited mailings in the belief they have won millions. There was the case of one man who received something like 500 letters in three months and who sent an estimated total of £50,000 to the scammers. He is by no means the only one.
It isn’t just unsolicited mail either. I’ve heard dozens of accounts of modelling agencies who want £500 for the cost of putting you onto their books (and of dozens of people who have paid up) only to disappear into the night. I have a friend who went for an interview for what she had been led to believe was a sales and marketing position in an expanding company, only to find it was a commission only, cold calling job and everybody who physically turned up for interview was offered a position. The most shocking thing about it was that the 16 year old my friend was interviewed alongside was all ready to take the position, believing the OTE quotes of thirty five thousand a year to be true, until my friend quietly took her to her to one side and explained that it was a total scam.

It’s terrible that there are people who make their living deliberately exploiting people who are too desperate not to believe them. It is worse that there are people who would charge forty UK pounds to burn a candle claiming it will ensure the Voudou spirit guides will bring a person good luck. It is unbelievable that Derek Acorah gets paid to be on TV, communicating with rabbits, much less that it isn’t half as entertaining as it sounds.

The worst thing of all is that, when so many people are so desperate and have nothing, there are people who have plenty but who are too stupid to hang onto it.

What I propose is this; If you have money you are intending to send to somebody in an unstable African nation in the belief you will get millions of dollars in return, my people will come to your house, seize your assets and give you a very small amount of money to live on until you understand how stupid you are. Until that time, your assets will be invested and the profits used to help families living below the bread line and who are never going to have enough money to behave as thickly as you do.

Begin your applause… now.


thread bear said...

You don't know me, I found you through Irishblogs...but, Good Lord, lady, after that awesome speech, I WANT you to be Queen of Everything!

Theo said...

The campaign starts here!
Welcome to the blog, don't forget to share me with your friends!