Lifestyle Jackets

Since spending an unfeasibly large amount of money on a DSLR camera, I have decided it would be best all around if I learned to use it and spent some time taking photographs of things. It would be terrible waste if it just sat in its jaunty case and got stroked occasionally.
Unfortunately, having taken photographs of things, it is then necessary to process them and convert them from RAW files to TIFFs or JPEGs so that they may be shown to people whom I know can be counted upon to look impressed. This does not include Mammy, by the way. She can only be counted upon to say “Oh Goodness, that’s brilliant. What is it?”
Of course, it is not necessary to shoot them in RAW format. I could just leave the camera switched to record JPEGs but as I am still not entirely clear on this whole White Balance and Exposure Meter nonsense, it is often necessary to adjust them using the rubbish software which came with the camera. In addition to being rubbish, the software manages to tie up all of my computer’s processing power for over half an hour while it attempts to load an image, then for another half an hour while it compresses and saves it. As a result the blog has been somewhat neglected.

Anyway. For some time I have been seeking a new jacket. When I say “some time”, I actually mean “since March before last”. At the moment I am sporting either a denim jacket which makes me look like a B*witched tribute act, or a leather jacket two sizes too big but which makes my hair look fantastic. The reason I have not been able to find a new jacket is due to being fat, fussy and full of hatred towards shopping.
If you are very thin, shopping must be wonderful. There are communal changing rooms to show off in and the reflected, envious gazes of the shop girls through the chink in the curtains which you can never manage to close fully. You can also waltz into any high street chain confident their clothes will go up to your size; unless you are really thin in which case you can be treated to the pleasant sound of “No, I’m sorry, we don’t go down to a 6.” Mind you, if you are a size 6, I would like to take a moment to beg you to go and eat some pie or something. Really. Being that thin is distinctly unhealthy. Plus, if you are size 6 and you have two matching sized friends, walking down the street together could bring about the apocalypse. You don’t want to be responsible for that now, do you?

Attempting to shop in my neck of the woods can also be a trial for other reasons.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have heard somebody (incidentally, often somebody of the male persuasion) complaining about the generic identity of the British high street. Go to Swindon and you could be in Coventry, Cambridge or Carlisle, they say. All the shops are the same, they wail and beg for some originality.
I live in a place with originality and, let me tell you with all my heart, it is terrible.

Wexford town has only a handful of chain stores but over the last few years they have been increasing in number. The majority of shops are still individually owned boutiques, which is a nice thought until you attempt to buy something from them.
You see, boutique owners do not sit in their backrooms running up haute couture garments. Twice a year they go to a trade show to buy clothing they think will sell in their shops. Many are the times I have had a proud shop owner tell me they source the clothing in Paris. Sourcing clothes in Paris doesn’t mean anything. Paris just happens to be a larger trade show than the Birmingham one and for the Irish it is easier because everything is already priced in Euro.

The trouble with shopping in an individual boutique is you become severely restricted in the language you can use to describe things. When a helpful Mammy holds up a garment for inspection, not even I can bring myself to say “Why would I want to spend €145 on something which looks as though it has been used to administer to a really sick bird?” Instead I will take a deep breath and search for something more neutral, such as “Gosh. That’s… interesting.”
It is at this point that the shop owner will leap forwards and start rifling through the rack looking for my size and forcibly herding me towards the changing rooms, grabbing other items as we go. It’s hard to tell people that you don’t want any, especially when their eyes are telling you that parting you from the contents of your purse is the only way their children are going eat tonight.

Happily, with the advent of the interweb and overseas postage, it is now possible to purchase items of apparel via my computer. It’s great. I can look at things while I drink tea. If I see something truly hideous I can call everybody around the screen for a chortle or share it with the email inboxes of chums. Some websites even offer the space to insert a droll comment with your sharing.
There is a downside though. Interweb shops do not try to sell you clothes; they try to sell you a lifestyle.

I am a sucker for a lifestyle. It must be because I don’t have one. I’ve tried to develop one in the past but then I realised that if I had a lifestyle, other people would begin using it to describe me. While I concede descriptions can be useful, more often they are misleading. Consider “Dark haired vegetarian who was christened a Catholic.” You could be describing Paul McCartney or Adolf Hitler.

The jacket I like is on the Boden website. Boden is a whole lifestyle choice in itself. The jacket I like is called the Photographer jacket and the instant I saw it I wanted it. It would look great with my camera. Unfortunately, I am confident it would look rubbish on me. It’s too boxy for a lady of my curves.
I also quite like the corduroy jacket they have. I was very tempted to a cord jacket from the M&S Per Una range last year, but hated the diamante buttons. This jacket has big wooden buttons on it. Big wooden buttons are good. I’m not very keen on the lifestyle it offers though. It is more of a drinking coffee lifestyle. I want an exciting lifestyle offering exotic locations and hunky girlfriendless rugby players.
If only they offered that on the Boden website.


sarah said...

B*witched!!!! bwahahaa
`say you will! say you wont! say you`ll do what i don`t!!!!!!!!!`

wow thats a blast from the very embarrassing past!!!

Theo said...

I always prefered "Jesse". I like a song with a positive message. Holding on is often important, as is being strong.