Dear Dave

To: The Leader of the Conservative Party, The Rt Hon David Cameron MP

Dear Dave,

I am a voter. I am a voter with a problem. You see, I am something of a hippy and, as a hippy, I have always voted Liberal Democrat. However, without Charlie at the helm they have lost their way. Ming did an okay job for a while but, let’s face it, his popularity was based entirely around his nickname. Nick Clegg must be good at something but whatever it is escapes me.

You can see where I am going with this Dave; If I want Labour out of power, I must vote for you.

This troubles me, especially in the light of recent revelations about MPs’ expenses. You missed a trick there Dave. It’s all very well pre-empting the trouble and giving sound bites claiming the system is to blame for allowing such things to happen, but that is simply not true. The truth is that the members of the house deliberately exploited the system for personal gain.
You are not journalists Dave, you are democratically elected representatives of the people who are paid more than enough to meet the costs of fixing your own dry rot and cleaning out your own moats. Maybe you should suggest abolishing the MPs’ expenses altogether and give everybody the use of a one bedroom flat in their constituency and a room at the Westminster Ibis when in session. Austerity is character building. Remember that Dave.

Obviously, as a voter, I want to know that you are going to address the issues that matter to me. Sadly, you don’t. None of you do. As an overseas voter, my vote is cast in my last constituency. There the candidates are sound on matters of the NHS, schools and the Welsh language but less sound on the issues I care about.
Dave, we ex-pats need out own MP. Who am I supposed to complain to about the price of passports from the embassy? Seriously, €145? That is the same as it would cost me to take a boat to Newport and stand in line at the passport office. It would be cheaper if I lived in Bolivia. There I would only pay £124 sterling.
An MP for ex-pats would be a valuable ally to your future government Dave. We can vote in the home EU elections. We can subvert the entire system if we get together. An MP for ex-pats could organise this for you. The Empire can live again

Think it over. This is your big chance to win my vote, Dave. Here is what you need to do:

1) Start railing against Sinn Feinn. They claim expenses on London flats (for which they pay their Irish landlord twice the going rate) and they refuse to sit in parliament. Stand up and tell Gerry Adams to get over himself. Ireland was never a united nation and we were paid to conquer it over 800 years ago. The people of the north know where the border and its 22% VAT rate is if they don’t like it.
2) Get somebody you know at the BBC props Department to give you a false nose for a day and go and sign on at your local job centre. This is the only way you will fully understand the depths of humiliation and worthlessness all job centre staff are trained to fill the newly unemployed with. You will also appreciate why the country isn’t getting off its knees anytime soon. The job centre is of no use to graduates. If you can’t find them jobs, they won’t pay their fees back and that will be another big hole in your finances. Point this out to people before Labour cop on.
3) Scrap the electric car scheme. It isn’t going to work. Even if it did, it is only good for people who live in cities. People who live in cities don’t need cars because they have public transport and legs to take them where they want to go. If you watched Top Gear you would know by now that Hydrogen is a far better bet.
4) Refuse to allow any kind of religious basis for any decisions. Do not be influenced by religious leaders. Have a lackey handy to pass out copies of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins to any community leaders who want more respect for the needs of their religion. When people criticise you, become a devout Pastafarian. You get to dress as a pirate on a Friday.
5) When you are canvassing and people approach you to complain about things, ask them if they have a full set of limbs. If they do, tell them to be grateful; if they don’t, assure them science is onto it.

Yours etc

Theo

4 comments:

sarah said...

my favourite was the claim for lightbulbs.

thats plain ridiculous

politicians make me sigh. i would get angry but i cant because they are politicians and the job description includes : must defraud the country. i used to want to be in politics, but then i met some and i ran away

poli`ticks`... blood sucking weasels

sarah said...

theo! i gave you an award on my blog!!!!

Theo said...

YAY! AWARD!

aisha said...
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