Which Animal which may or may not be found on a farm are you?

Following on from the resounding success of “Which method of wasting valuable office time are you?” we are proud to bring you this: a personality quiz so accurate you may feel the need to gasp and finger the back of your skull to ensure we are not peering into your brain.
As before, simply add up the number of each letter before looking to the bottom of the page to reveal the inner You. Pencils at the ready?

1) Your boss has decided to give all his staff an interview to decide if he would employ them if he was given his choice again. Unfortunately, he has delusions of being an Oxbridge tutor and has asked you the following: “If you were a fruit cut into the shape of a star, what kind of knife would have been necessary?”

a) A Bread Knife
b) A Butcher’s Knife
c) A Swiss Army Knife
d) A Stiletto
e) A Machete

2) Oh dear. That didn’t go well. You are now on the unemployment scrapheap and the only food you have is a jar of Chicken Tonight which has lurked at the back of your cupboard since time immemorial. The jar suggests that adding raisins and yoghurt will make it Tasty. You have neither. What will you add instead?

a) Grass. Just Say No, kids.
b) Some vegetable peelings, extra vitamins you see.
c) Anything. I’m not fussy.
d) Something sweet. Sweetness is good.
e) I have some Chocolate cake with chilli in it. That’s bound to make it taste great.

3) That combination turned out to be a grave mistake. Good job the hospital is so close, eh? Continuing the good news, your doctor has decided to let you be a guinea pig in his mad experiments until you’ve paid off your toxicology bill. He’s even given you a choice as to which one you will take part in. Which type of experiment do you choose?

a) The one requiring you to digest food four times.
b) Some kind of SAS course where you live in trenches and enjoy fresh air.
c) The one where you are exposed to Julie Andrews until you become a Better Person.
d) A Mathematical one involving interlocking shapes and the like.
e) The one where you attempt to translate the ancient writings of lost empires. Just like on the Krypton Factor!

4) Ah. You didn’t sign that document waving your right to sue him did you? Right. Well. Never mind. What pattern of sock would you like to clad your jaunty new extra foot in?

a) Black and White.
b) Pink!
c) One made out of the curtains.
d) Pringle; it’s the sock of golfers.
e) I’ve got a bit of an Aztec vibe going at the moment. Got anything Peruvian?

5) Gosh, what a week it has been! I think you should cheer yourself up with a spot of karaoke. To which track are you going to leap enthusiastically up on stage and shake your booty?

a) Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) by Benny Hill
b) Flying Without Wings by Westlife
c) Some old school Celine Dion. Back before she had her teeth nicened.
d) Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by The Crash Test Dummies
e) Anything by Shakira

Added up your answers? Then let’s see what you are!

Mostly A’s – Congratulations! You are a Cow!
Cows are lovely, just like you. Everybody loves a cow even though they smell a bit and have a tendency to get huge amounts of snot over their friends, just like you. You don’t seem like the sharpest tool in the box but it is all an elaborate façade. Behind that placid gaze you have the cunning dexterity of a Polish Sushi Chef.
Your Lucky Disease is Creutzfeldt-Jakob and your Lucky Newspaper is the Daily Mail.

Mostly B’s – Congratulations! You are a Pig!
Pigs! The practical jokers of the world! You like nothing better than leaving the tracks of your cloven hoofs around the houses of Mormons to trick them into believing the Devil has been. You are also very practical and down to earth which makes you enormously popular in Yorkshire. Only your irrational dislike of mirrors is preventing your conquest of the world. Maybe you should put more effort in.
Your Lucky Fish is John Dory and your Lucky Paint Chart is Farrow and Ball.

Mostly C’s – Congratulations! You are a Goat!
Mobile dustbin, producer of cheese, ward of Heidi; you are all of these things and more. While your truthful wholesomeness is endearing, your pedantry is not. This is why you get blamed for things which are not your fault. You probably work in a post office and if you don’t, you should definitely consider it as your next career move.
Your Lucky Government Department is the Inland Revenue and your Lucky Home Shopping Network is QVC.

Mostly D’s – Congratulations! You are a Bee!
*sings* Oh what a glorious thing to be! A healthy grownup bizzy buzzy bee! *desists from singing* You are exacting and precise, working behind the scenes to make things happen. You are very good at counting up to four. Some people fear you but others are enchanted by your distinctive fashion stylings. Best cut back on the velvet though. It’s so 1998.
Your Lucky Gardener is Bob Flowerdew and your Lucky Historical Document is the Order of Execution for Lady Jane Gray.

Mostly E’s – Congratulations! You are a Llama!
Exotic. That’s how you are best described. You do things your own way and spit at people who try to make you do any different. You care a great deal about your hair and spend many hours polishing it to ensure it is soft and shiny. My top tip would be to eat more linseed. It’s what they give to horses you know.
Your Lucky County of Missouri is Ozark and your Lucky Telephone Provider is Talktalk.