Let there be (Government Approved) Light

Good things come into my life. I know this. Unfortunately they are very often followed by the removal of said Good Thing, most usually once I have spent some time getting to grips with it and reached the stage at which I wonder how I managed without it in the first place.
So it came to pass that the Gods of Broadband unleashed a plague of Fail upon my modem.
To begin with I assumed it was the wind. It’s usually the wind. Wind is the first of The Five Afflictions which remove electricity from the lives of me and my neighbours. If it isn’t the wind it is down to fire, flood, lightning or pigeon.
While the plague of Fail may have begun via the wind, I suspect its total and catastrophic failure may not have been helped by my manually resting the modem 10 times in half an hour in an effort to make it go. Anyway, the nice man in Nepal assured me a new modem would be with me within 3 to 5 working days and please could I send the old one back to the offices in Dublin so they could find out what broke it.
After 3 to 5 working days the new modem duly arrived but still didn’t work. BT have asked Eircom very nicely if they would possibly mind rounding up a couple of their engineers and sending them down to the exchange to fix whatever has broken. Knowing Eircom as I do, this may take a while. Given that you are reading this, it is probably mended.

Obviously I am quite pleased with my lack of interweb. As it turns out, every time you search for something on Google, a baby seal gets clubbed to death. Think of that next time you idly look up the principle exports of Bolivia simply because you are bored.
I, of course, could have told you this ages ago. I recall an article in the half tree that is the Sunday Papers about the New Face of Eco protesting. The New Face of Eco Protesting turned out to be an intensely middle class blond girl who will need to eat more pie if she wishes to be able to stand upright in a stiff breeze. One of the things she spoke winningly about was the utilisation of Facebook in the spreading of the Word and in the organisation of various Eco friendly protests. At no point did she or any of her youthful chums seem to deduce that encouraging a couple of hundred people to log on to Facebook every day is possibly not the best way to actively curb carbon emissions.

The Government are very keen to reduce carbon emissions. They have decided the best way of reducing carbon emissions is to make us all sit in the dark feeling depressed. To aid them in this plan, we are no longer allowed to buy 100 watt light bulbs.
While I appreciate the effort to do something as oppose to nothing, I’m slightly disappointed that this was the best they could come up with. On the face of it, if every household replaced their 100 watt bulbs with 60 watt bulbs, the cumulative effect over a year would probably save the same amount of energy it takes to boil a kettle to make me a nice cup of tea; except I’m not certain that it does.
In my house we tend to turn the lights on when it is dark. The lights we turn on when it is dark are lamps. Lamps shouldn’t have 100 watt bulbs in them. If we have the overhead light bulb on it is because we need to see what we are doing except now we can’t see what we are doing because of all the 60 watt bulbs. I suspect we will have to strap a miner’s torch to our foreheads just to peel the potatoes from now on.

Help is on the horizon. Rather cunningly, the Eco Boffins have invented for us an Eco Friendly light bulb. It gives 100 watts of light but only uses 20 watts of energy. It also has a lifetime 57.593 times longer than your common or garden variety of bulb. If you replace every single bulb in your home, over the next 12 years you will save yourself possibly four euro and twenty six cent on your electricity bill. That’s enough the buy a majority share in the Anglo-Irish Bank and a KFC on the way home.
On the downside you can’t put them in most lamps because they either don’t fit in the lamp shade at all or they project an inch over the top of it and look distressingly ugly.
They are also intrinsically flawed.

Some of the flaws I don’t mind. I don’t mind waiting for them to warm up before they get to full brightness. I don’t really mind the faint humming sound they produce. I do, however, mind the harsh, unflattering, headache inducing light they produce. It’s as bad as the “daylight” bulbs. If I wanted daylight, I’d go outside.

To show willing, I’ve installed an energy saving light bulb here in my study. It’s awful. It makes the room look as though somebody has turned the contrast dial to maximum. I’m certain the shadows are secretly plotting some kind of coup.

So, if you are an Eco Boffin I would really like it if you could invent for me a better Eco Friendly light bulb please. Failing that, a device for the vaporisation of whoever had the idea to implement them into my life will be just as acceptable.

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