Dear Father Christmas

Dear Father Christmas,

This year I have given much thought to what I would like you to bring me. I suspect that even you are not immune to the credit crunch and so have kindly cut back on my superfluous desires. Rather wrenchingly have I crossed out a Sony SLR digital camera from the list on the grounds that it will give me something to buy if I win the lotto. Animal Crossing: Let’s Go to the City has also gone; as it is virtually the same game as one I already own, I will wait until I find a second hand copy at a bargain price.

Cutting back is just one example of what a kind and thoughtful girl I am. Throughout the year, I have remained good in accordance with our agreement; for instance, when the scary teenage boys and their father presented me with a framed photograph of their whole family as a “Thank you for allowing us to stay in your lovely home” present, I immediately displayed it in a prominent position upon my mantelpiece and did not shout “A photograph of your rubbish family? I wanted booze!”
I have also made a special effort not to tell certain people what I think of them, sometimes in the face of extreme provocation. I have encouraged Strider to be nice to our Cos because it will make Mammy happy. I have refrained from libelling people via the medium of interweb and have tried to understand the new rules of Rugby Union. I failed, but I tried.

This year I would like you to bring me a winning lotto ticket. Not a big one mind, five or six hundred euro in winnings will be fine. I would like to buy myself a Sony SLR digital camera. I promise to only use my powers of photography for good and not stalk minor Irish celebrities and their relatives.
I would also like to be able to eat lots and lots of chocolate and not gain shedloads of weight. This doesn’t have to be permanent, just for the few weeks over Christmas will be fine. Nobody likes a diet bore so really, you’d be doing lots of people a service by allowing me to eat all I want of peoples’ home baking. If the Karma Fairy objects, let the record show I am more than happy to accept this gift in the form of an overactive thyroid.
Finally, I would really like it if my soon to be visiting Cos could turn out not to be the racist, spoilt, selfish, emotionally ignorant cretin I fear her to be. If this turns out to be beyond your powers, please could you see your way to making the revelations of her character a little easier on my Mammy who is a kind hearted soul and doesn’t deserve any of it.

As a token of my thanks I will leave you some mince pies made with my special homemade mincemeat. You can leave in the stockings of children who have been Bad.

Lots of Love

Theo (Age 27)

P.S Don’t blame me for this. Ray D’arcy made me do it. He eats porridge and cares about road safety. Don’t be too harsh on him.