The Deadly Qualities of Pork

It is with great cheerfulness I greet the news that the porkers, with whom I have been carelessly stuffing myself over the last few months, have up to 200 times the safe limit of dioxins in them. My liver has been behaving impeccably of late and a threatening poison coursing through my digestion is just the thing I need to remind it I can take it down any time I like so it had better continue that way.

Anyway. The Irish Government has announced that all Irish pork products produced since September must be destroyed. They helpfully announced it at 7pm on Saturday, shortly before donning their coats and heading for the door shouting “See you Tuesday, lads!”
I’m quite impressed with the government. If I was in power, I would have kept it quiet and allowed natural selection to solve the unemployment crisis. In theory you’d end up with a country full of vegetarians but luckily the Irish don’t do vegetarianism. They think it’s ungodly.

The current thinking from the people who like to get to the bottom of these things is that the pig feed supplied to some of Ireland’s 400 pig farms was contaminated by PCB. I’m not entirely clear why all the pork is now being destroyed but what I have read translated in my head to the abattoir chaps saying “We have no idea which porker came from which farm.” It sounds stupid enough to be true but I shouldn’t quote me.

The destruction of all of this meat is having vast and unforeseen circumstances. Builders across the country are weeping openly at the loss of their breakfast rolls*. They aren’t getting any work done at all.

I am laughing of course. I have spotted that I can probably sell all the imported British sausage clogging up my freezer on ebay Ireland for some astronomical profit. If I was really enterprising, of course, I would nip over to Pembroke to buy supplies before doing a round of the pubs offering to hook people up with a nice chipolata.

On the other hand, maybe I won’t. I don’t want people to think I’m a rent boy.





* Note for foreigners: A Breakfast Roll is a fry up presented in roll form. It is the working man’s elevenses. As the song specifies it consists of 2 eggs, two sausage, two rashers of bacon, two pudding (one black one white). If you are hardcore, you also have beans.

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