Mammy Vs the Rozzers

If anybody were to ask me to provide them with a list of my faults, I would swiftly be able to draw up such a document. I freely admit to being an arrogant, self-righteous, know-it-all lick-arse who reads the Guardian if somebody else buys a copy. In addition to these things, I am also deeply vindictive. It takes a lot to get me annoyed but once I am there, I will wreak petty vengeance upon you in whatever way I can.
The origin of my vindictiveness is two-fold. For one, I am the youngest child and youngest children are always evil geniuses. The youngest child is never going to win a physical fight against an older sibling so they must instead use animal cunning and wide eyed innocence to cause maximum destruction.
For instance; my Cos has been enquiring of my Mammy what I would like for Christmas but as she has never bothered to send me anything for the previous 26, my thoughts on the offer are best left unrecorded. As it is bad manners to refuse a gift, I have formulated plans to ask for a donation to a charity instead. Because I am a vindictive cow, I will request a donation to be made to a charity whose work she disapproves of. There are just so many to choose from (and another part of the reason I don’t want anything from her).

The second cause of my vindictiveness is genetics. I have long known that Mammy is possessed of a belligerent streak. If you tell her not to do something, she will immediately do it just to show you she can. If you ever told her not to push a button because it would release a plague of Wombles, you’d better make sure you put away all of those everyday things you would normally leave behind first.
Mammy will also take on anybody who doesn’t do things Properly. It’s why I try not to let her go out on her own. She once took Gerry Adams on over a parking space. She won.

Anyway. My Great Aunt in North Wales has taken a tumble and has broken her arm. Concerned that she would end up in some God Forsaken NHS nursing home, Mammy has hastened over with He Who Knows Everything to help get her settled and sort out her legal papers which, as you may recall, are something of a concern to us.
The Aunt lent £5000 to a “friend”, W, who is now refusing to pay it back. Over the last couple of weeks, Mammy has spoken to W who promised she would begin paying it back at the rate of £50 a week. This payment has yet to materialise.

As she was in North Wales, Mammy arranged to meet with W and pin her down as to when my Aunt would get back the money she had been conned out of. Before she went, I offered Mammy lots of helpful advice. I told her to be like Jeremy Paxman.

Unsurprisingly, W never turned up for the pre-arranged meeting.

Mammy was undeterred.

A few questions to a cafĂ© owner later and knowledge of W’s location the following morning was secured. Apparently she would be working in the Charity shop in Rhyl.
Mammy went to the charity shop. Mammy told W what she thought of her. Mammy told the other people in the charity shop how surprised she was that W was allowed to work a till given that she was a thief and a liar. This did not go down well.
Mammy was asked to leave. She refused. She was asked, more pointedly, to leave. She refused. She was requested to take it outside.
W demanded they take it to the citizen’s advice bureau. Mammy offered her a lift.

Upon arriving at the CAB, W declined to speak. Mammy and HWKE explained the situation and outlined their future intentions. The CAB agreed they were progressing correctly and gave them the necessary forms to fill in.
Outside it had begun to rain so W was invited into HWKE’s dry car to have a chat and work things out. Many things were said. Mammy acted like Jeremy Paxman.
Eventually W claimed she was filing for bankruptcy. HWKE encouraged her to do so as it would enable my aunt to register as a creditor whose debts would be settled by W’s estate. W fell silent. She doesn’t appear to understand what bankruptcy actively means.
Eventually Mammy was told that if she returned to the Charity Shop at 4pm, W would have £100 for her.

Understanding that W is cunning, Mammy arrived early. She went into the shop to let W know she was waiting outside when she was ready. Mammy was surprised by how busy the shop was. She was also a little surprised by the way they were all staring at her. She returned to the car to wait.

Some time passed.

The people gathered at the Charity Shop window to stare at Mammy and HWKE.

A few moments later, Mammy was rather surprised to find 6 burly policemen running towards her; each bearing a firearm.

Checks were made on the car. The number plates were written down. The DVLA was contacted to check the vehicle history while the other Rozzers closed the high street and dealt with the paparazzo.*
While HWKE slowly went purple, Mammy began to laugh and chat up the good looking head Rozzer. He told her that if she went into the charity shop, he would arrest her for causing an affray.

Once it had been ascertained that they were not hardened crims attempting to undertake a dastardly plan, they were warned to stay away from W. They were not to see her, ring her, write to her or include her on their round-robin mailing list. If they did any of these things they would be thrown in jail forever.
Mammy asked the head Rozzer if he was going to charge W with wasting police time on account of herself and HWKE only being there in the first place because W had asked them to be.

The Rozzer said no.

Eventually they were declared free to go. Rhyl high street was re-opened and with a cheery wave to the still watching spectators, Mammy and He Who Knows Everything drove off into the sunset together.






* A gentleman from the Rhyl Journal who eventually decided the story wasn’t worth writing up.

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