It's only words

There are lots of words I don’t know the meaning of. Many of them I like to use in everyday conversation because they always sound most impressive. I reason that if I, who am very good looking and clever, do not know the meaning of a word it is unlikely that the person with whom I am speaking will either so I won’t be fetched up for lexicographic ignorance.
Even when I do know the meaning of a word, I will often grow confused by which word it is I actually mean. Daily I check the thesaurus to check if I mean loose or lose, bare or bear. Daily I rest my head in my hands and bewail my lack of education in these matters.

I’m sure my life would have turned out vastly differently if my school had taught us Latin. According to He Who Knows Everything (prior to splitting his head open and carelessly damaging his gravy nodes, natch) Latin nouns have 12 forms they can take. He could remember 2 of them; the subjective (the table is empty) and the declarative (O Table! Why are you empty?!).
I don’t understand what this means. The closest I ever got to grammar at school was chanting verb tables in French class. It’s all very well knowing the future pluperfect tense of the polite form of the verb To Wallpaper but it doesn’t do you much good if you aren’t sure what you are supposed to do with it. Anyway, I don’t know the future pluperfect tense of the polite form of the verb To Wallpaper because I didn’t used to pay any attention to the things I couldn’t grasp the point of learning. French was one of these things.

A word which annoys me greatly is “Holistic”. What on earth is that one supposed to mean? During the auditions for the X Factator there was a girl (who appeared to have nutted a sheep) who described herself as a Holistic vocal coach. When pressed, she explained she coached voices, holistically.
Strider does belly dancing (or Wobble Dancing as my perennially confused Mammy describes it) and in a fit of noseyness, I looked up her troupe. I was rather surprised to find the troupe leader uses the word Holistic quite a lot. She also appears to embrace the concept of the female goddess and notifies the importance of empowerment. I would love to know what Turks make of her ideas.

With some careful studying of The Journalists’ Friend and a dictionary, I have drawn the conclusion that anything done Holistically is obviously stupid and should be avoided at all costs. Holistic seems to be a catch all term for just about everything. What it actually means is consideration of the whole as oppose to consideration of its components (you see the Lego tower, not the individual bricks).
The trouble with the kind of people who use the word holistic to describe what they do is they always seem to have a bit-of-this-bit-of-that approach. They meditate balancing on their left kneecap in the traditions of Ayer Vedic medicine while chewing crushed beetle toenails (as the lost tribe of Roanoke were rumoured to do) and humming the greatest hits of Tony Christie. It’s picking the bits you enjoying doing from any one of a hundred belief systems and ignoring the rest. Am I the only one who sees that isn’t quite how it is supposed to go?
A person I vaguely knew once mentioned their cousin was a Buddhist and a Christian and didn’t understand why I pointed out the two belief systems were completely incompatible. You can’t decide to believe in the holy trinity and follow the 10 commandments but also believe you will be reborn according to your karma. Religion and belief are not a pick and mix counter.

It’s not the fault of these simple folk. They like to think they are exciting and different. They cry out to show the world how knowledgeable they are about things. They study far off lands and different cultures, believing they can find the Answer from these ancient peoples. I say that if the Ancients were really so smart they would have invented indoor plumbing. When was the last time you heard of the Romans being holistic?
We are all tiny insignificant specs in the cosmos. We have no power over the earth. Lay lines and pyramids will not sharpen blades. Gede will not inhabit our bodies. We affect nothing.
It is all so unspeakably beautiful and yet, so sad.

Still. There is an upside to this kind of lark.

Someone, somewhere is practising Holistic Morris Dancing. I am certain of it.

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