What method of wasting valuable office time are you?

The office. It's not a fun place to spend your day is it? All that paper and telephonic noise to avoid while you wait for beer o'clock to sneak round; it's not like you even get paid for it either. Well now you can precisely identify how best to waste your day with this highly scientific questionnaire.
Just grab a pen and paper to record how many of each letter you score then scroll away to reveal the hidden secrets of your innermost personality. Possibly.


Question 1 – Very important in an office environment; How would you rate your level of personal hygiene?

(a) Very high. Clean as a whistle, inside and out!
(b) Pretty high. It's important to be clean but the overuse of bleaches and sterilizers in the home has lead to an increase in nut allergies and the like in children, you know.
(c) High. Cleaning the body with a solution of white vinegar and horseradish at 12.679 degrees centigrade kills up to 65% more germs than commercially available detergents.
(d) Much better than it was when I was a teenager.
(e) Well… the same jacket has been on the back of my chair for months now…


Question 2 - One of the work experience girls has left a copy of Jackie magazine on your desk. Who does your dream date turn out to be?

(a) W H Smith. The man knows what makes a good paperclip.
(b) Roy Wood. Popular 80's songster with extensive facial hair.
(c) Julian Stonkwostle the third. He wrote the little used Stonkwostle algorithm which exposes flaws in Windows XP.
(d) Davey Jones from The Monkeys. He's such a dreamboat!
(e) Michael Palin. He travels a lot.


Question 3 – Oh No! There's an election looming! The future of democracy is in your hands. Who are you going to vote for?

(a) UKIP. They gave me a free biro.
(b) Well the Lib Dems are historically strong in my constituency but the Conservative party have gained much support amongst women voters in the 26 – 30 demographic with their tax promises which are really just a rehash of the ones first suggested by Pitt the Younger. Let me do some more research.
(c) Clive Butterworth-Chorley. What do you mean you've never heard of him? Of course he exists!
(d) Pah. None of these upstarts are as good as Mr Wilson. Or Mr Heath.
(e) Going to? I've already… ah. No I haven't. I've been working hard. All day. At my desk.


Question 4 – Well you really messed that one up didn't you? A Diabolical Army of Human-Woodlouse Hybrids has taken over the world (I warned you not to vote Labour). Disorder and calamity have broken out everywhere you look. What do you take with you to keep you safe on your way to work?

(a) A Swiss Army knife. It has all sorts of attachments of various uses and sizes.
(b) Some kind of machete as favoured by the Rotuman people in the Republic of Fiji.
(c) A G'nnt o'Nics. It's a type of taser used by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
(d) Chopper Reilly from form 6G always said that a door at an angle of 45 degrees would keep you safe from a nuclear bomb. He's done well for himself. I'll take a door.
(e) A piece of paper with writing on it. You're clearly very busy and important if you are holding a piece of paper with writing on it. Everybody knows that.


Question 5 – Science discovers the new Human-Woodlice overlords must feed on office worker grey matter to survive. Crikey! Luckily, when consumed in large quantities, alcohol will cause a chemical reaction within your brain that will transform the overlords into Dale Winton impersonators who can then be easily overpowered. Keen to do your bit to liberate humankind, you hasten to the pub. What do you order?

(a) Neat Alcohol in wipe form.
(b) A pint of Brains. The Brewery was founded in Cardiff in 1882 by Samuel Arthur Brain. It has a jolly interesting history.
(c) Tia Maria. If drunk while standing on your head, the alcoholic content doubles.
(d) Cider. The choice of youth.
(e) I'm just on my way to the water cooler. It's important to keep hydrated.



Tallied your answers? Right then:



Mostly A's – You are Cleaning your body with Stationary!

An intelligent worker knows how to get the most from their equipment and you are no exception. Where most people see a promotional biro, you see a handy tongue scraper. And there's nothing like a paperclip for getting rid of earwax! It may disgust your colleagues but they just don't understand the satisfaction that comes from seeing a pile of fluff you dug out of your own belly button with an empty printer cartridge. Keep up the good work!


Mostly B's – You are Learning From Wikipedia!

They never taught you interesting things like this at school! If you'd known then that Ruskin's marriage remained unconsummated because he expected women to be as hairless as the marble statues he was used to or that Grover Cleveland reputedly used to relieve himself out of his office window you'd probably have paid more attention and have a better job by now. At least this way you can help your office team win the pub quiz. Or at least you could if Wikipedia was a little more accurate. Never mind, eh?


Mostly C's - You are Abusing Wikipedia!

Creative, talented and literate, you like nothing better than inserting "Facts" into random segments of the online encyclopedia. You are the reason journalists get sacked. It takes skill and daring to do what you do, it needs to be believable or you'll get rumbled and banned forever. Why not set up a tournament with your friends to see who can keep their piece of misinformation on a page the longest? Extra points for "Facts" reported in national newspapers!


Mostly D's – You are Looking up old School Friends on Google!

Stuck in a rut and with your childhood dreams in ruins you console yourself by finding out what all those idiots you went to school with are up to these days. Okay, so they've a beautiful house and beautiful children but they've also got less hair than you. Ha! And look at what a moose that girl who turned you down has become! Just don't look up what happened to that little dork Billy Gates…


Mostly E's – You are Appearing busy while away from your desk!

You are a planner. Every detail has to be just so. The military has nothing on you. It takes almost as much effort to look productive as it would to do some actual work but don't let that get you down. Keep a jacket on the back of your chair at all times to let people know you are in the building, have a paper cup handy to carry off that "hydration chic" look or walk confidently with a piece of paper in one hand as though on your way to show it to somebody. If all else fails, find things to laminate.

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