Ferry Literature

As I am such a kind and socially responsible person, I am going to avoid visiting relatives by packing myself off to see Strider. While it may look like I am shirking my hereditary duty towards them I assure you this is utter heresy; being around visiting relatives will make me unhappy so I therefore perform the public duty of extracting myself from their company before anything drastic can happen. My sainthood should be arriving in the post any day now.
Going to visit Strider will also mean I finally get my birthday present a mere 3 months after my birthday. Strider will get her curtains. Strider will try and get me to fix her washing machine although I’ve already told her I’m not going to bother because it sounds as though the pump has gone. I will get to eat Japanese food and contract some horrific disease from her carpet (I’m hoping for Ebola this time). It also means I will get a break from the little voice which calls to me when I am very busy wearing my Quantity Surveyor hat and says things like “Can you come and help me? I didn’t know what to press so I pressed everything and now it won’t work.”

Packing is not my idea of a fun way to spend my afternoon but luckily I have developed a highly scientific method to make it easier. I put the suitcase on the bed and put things into it until I grow bored. I then shut the suitcase, have a cup of tea and decide that anything I have forgotten, I can manage to live without for a few days. When I arrive home I stare with wonderment at all the things I don’t need providing I am happy to live a life of critically demented hair and dubious fashion sense.
This time I have managed to avoid my usual trick of forgetting to leave a smart travelling outfit in the wardrobe for the next morning. Generally I turn up to the port looking like a crazed sleep-deprived Pikey, earning myself deeply suspiscious looks from the Customs guys at the other end.

The only thing I have left to do, in fact, is make a choice of book to read on the ferry. This may seem like a small task but it is the most important one of all, there are many considerations to take into account.
For a start there is my Dyslexia. I love books deeply and will read anything and everything so it is deeply frustrating that sometimes I just can’t read what is in front of me. The noisy environment of a ferry is not the best place to try and puzzle my way through complicated literature so Beowulf and Ulysses are out.
The second consideration is image. A book you are seen to be reading says a lot about you. “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” is a great way to let everybody know you are the last word in post-modern ironic cool but I’m not sure I can make it stretch to four and a half hours.
Cultural awareness is equally as important so something socially relevant then; “The Naked Civil Servant” would be ideal what with its immortal opening line but Strider has stolen back her copy from me so that will have to keep for the return journey.
There is always the option of classic literature but there have been so many TV adaptations it often just looks sad to be seen reading the book of the TV series. Even modern classics, Jack Kerouac, J D Salinger and the rest are so overdone much the same applies. “A Clockwork Orange” works but not for me because of the Dyslexia. Hmmm.

Anyway. You lot keep yourselves safe and try not to let Mammy break my computer in my absence.

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